The road to the perfect outcome filled with stress...

Todays Blog just came to me after a conversation with a friend.  He was saying that he and his wife were stressed out with their children.  He said that they put 100 percent of their time after work into their children.  As well, he said that they had made a decision to have children and even if it was hard they had made the decision to continue to  give the children 100 percent.

I found it so interesting, since if you knew these people you would know that they are both extremely health concious, type A individuals.  Because of this they are two  people who stood strong on every idealistic idea of parenting.  I have always understood and respected their sheer determination.  However, I guess over the years I have learned who I am... and that is just not me... I am not a planner, I am a fly by the seat of my pants kind of person.  I guess for me, the planning is more painful than the activity itself.  I live my life in a kind of experiential way...whatever I feel like or we as a family feel like at the time.  My free time is very open to change and open to the changing moods and energy that we have at any given moment.  Even a grocery list or a meal plan is a difficult plan to muster... because I might plan it but I might just not feel like it at the time.  Because of this, I have often been left feeling very inadequate as a person, when I compare myself to these friends. 

After our conversation last night, I left it not feeling so bad.  I mean here are two people, who I feel are the model of the "perfect parents,"  and here they are stressing themselves out trying to be better than perfect.  It is somewhat amusing to me but at the same time causes me pain, thinking about how they stress themselves everyday, trying to be healthy, trying to give 100 percent.  It must be hard to be someone, who is always on top of everything but now is realizing that even with all that organizing, planning, healthy lifestyle.... life just does not accomadate the best laid plans.  For me, this feels a little hopeless; I mean I always thought if I could get it together and plan, be healthy and organize, things would be just great.  I now wonder whether not striving for the extreme pleasure and accepting that this is me, this is our family and this is how we operate has made life more pleasureful not in an extreme sense but in a good enough sort of way. in fact it's   I mean we are who we are.  Can we change yes.... if who and what we are is painful we can but it's not just in the changing that we can experience pleasure, sometimes it is in the acceptance of who and what we are that reduces the pain enough to experience the pleasure that has always been there.

Now, I am not saying we shouldn't dream big, or work hard, or have strong principles but I am saying that as a world and community of people we need to get real.  We need to accept moderation in our lives.  I think dreaming big and having goals is one thing, but I think that striving for the ultimate perfection in every aspect of what we do, does not guarentee our greatness or happiness, in fact in some cases it may set us up for losing sight of happiness in the moment.  We might be spending time going through the motions of life and missing out on the beautiful weeping willow in the park or the proud look on our child's faces when they realize they can do something on their own, or even that great snuggle after a difficult moment or two with our children. 

For me, this brings me to thinking about moderation in life.  Not just in how we eat or drink but in life.  Having moderation in our lives allows us to avoid some pain.  It allows us to stop stressing about the little things in life and really look at what matters.  It allows us to do some things that are not perfect by social standard, or the beliefs and morals of others.  We can allow ourselves to enjoy not being perfect at every moment knowing that we are able to move away from the activity without leaving much of an impact in our lives.  In this way we are not expecting ourselves to be perfect all the time and there is no need to fogive ourselves for the Big Mac we ate at lunch or doing nothing when there was lots to do. 

When I was a teenager, I brought home a friend, who had been kicked out of his parents home.  Of course the story to my parents was that he lost his key and could not get in his parents home till they got back... (Yeah.... really believable)  Anyways, he was arrested while living at our home.  When he returned he and I worried how my parents would deal with this, and how it would affect how they felt about him.  My mother was more concerned with how he processed the ordeal.  My parents told me... "move on, he'll deal with it and he'll learn from it, nobody is hurt, nobody is dead, everybody is fine... so it can't be all that bad"  I was shocked, I mean, they did not hold that against him.  They were comfortable with it all and if they weren't they certainly we not going to let that worry him.  My point being that growing up was all about comfort and yes working hard but what I learned was this:
1. Sometimes it's good to be a little bad.
2. It's good to be different (as long as you don't go out without your makeup)
3. As long as everyone is alive at the end of a bad decision it was a learning experience
4. People are who they are and they do what they do.... and that is all there is to it.
5. As long as the family is the safe place for the child to land at the end of the day... your parenting is good
6. As long as your children are loved and they have no doubt about it... that is what makes great kids, not what parenting book you read...
7.  As long as you are building great memories to laugh about later, it will all be worth it.

“Moderation is the silken string running through the pearl chain of all virtues.”



Joseph Hall

“Life is made up, not of great sacrifices or duties, but of little things, in which smiles, and kindnesses, and small obligations, given habitually, are what win and preserve the heart and secure comfort”


Humphrey Davy quotes (English chemist 1778-1829)